“Definition – Who am I Today?”

tulipsNY

Everything used to define me.

My relationships…
Gotta measure up! If they disagree, then
I have to change my mind,
my own opinion, and I need them to love me.
I need to be loved so do whatever it takes.
Freak out because that’s what teenagers do.
Hormones. Emotions. Yeah…
Family needs to be taken care of so I’ll do that.
Friends think I need to have more fun? OK. I’ll do that.
Enemies… even they care? And I need everyone
to be my friend. Hello, Miss Popular!
Sorry, wrong number.
And everything needs to matter so I’ll change.
I’ll change myself for you because I need to be loved.
You like sunflowers? Guess what my favourite flower is?
Now I feel bad. Everything matters! Nothing matters!
Who am I today?

My body…
I’m too short, should I try heels?
Should I wear shorts today? I’m ugly. My face is puffy.
How much should I eat? How much should I weigh?
Pig out – then hate myself. Not eat. Curl up in a corner.
Exercise even though I hate it – then love it.
Dark skin… thick eyebrows. Wear makeup?
Be myself – who is myself? Dye my hair?
Change this, change that… I like myself today.
Ignore the media with my head, but not with my heart.
Exercise!!! I want to look like her!
Guess who complimented me today! Am I prettier?
Shorts? Dress? Too low-cut? Not wearing that!
Paint my nails? Cut my hair? Generally dissatisfied.
Who am I today?

School…
I need good grades – straight As? Got ’em!
Beat her by one percent! Oh yeah!
Do work, do work, do work! It has to be perfect!
I have to be perfect! Practice my instrument
and I feel like a god today!
Above the clouds, but I hate that teacher.
Complain about this and that and those people.
I’m not like them.
Then, don’t study so I’ll be like them. I want to be like them.
Set goals and nothing can get in the way. Nothing!
Should I try my hardest for everything? Risk a burnout?
Sure! No way! I don’t know. Try again.
I don’t feel like doing homework – so don’t. Ha!
Take that, Education! Who needs you?
Freak out because it was almost an A!!
Make myself stupider to prove I don’t care.
Who am I today?

The future…
I need to figure everything out right now!
What classes am I taking? What’s my life plan?
Figure it out, stupid! Why aren’t you prepared?
Google universities… I’m definitely going to Harvard.
Work harder to earn a scholarship because
I need, need, need to make a name for myself!
Change my mind – is that allowed??
Panic because nothing makes sense and Google is confusing.
Make lists and more lists of hobbies and life plans.
Get a PhD? Get married? Have kids? World travel?
It’s all mapped out – today I do this, next year that,
in ten years this and I am not retiring at 65, no way!
Who am I today?

The past…
All those bad things are still here. Not disappearing.
Not anytime soon.
What if this curse is handed down from generations?
I can’t change. I’m stuck being the same day after day.
Okay, so just mope. Sit under my cloud.
It’s kinda nice down here – don’t try to understand me.
Obviously if I was scared as a kid, I still need to be scared now.
Nothing’s changed. Am I stuck?
And all the places I’ve been don’t really matter now –
do they? ‘Course they do. I’m not getting out of this one.
Every past failure has to keep up of course – joining the
freaky things hiding under my bed – in my closet.
Sometimes I’m still seven in my mind – and nothing,
I repeat, nothing has changed.
Who am I today?

My fears…
Scared of heights so I’m definitely not climbing
that mountain – or that one. Nope.
What if I’ll never be loved? Push myself – do anything.
Scared of the dark – still?! – yeah…
and I am not taking that risk. So not worth it.
Is it worth it? Whatever. I’m too scared.
Maybe I don’t believe enough – need pixie dust.
Hide my fears of job interviews and unknown situations,
pretend it’s not there and dream of it at night.
And that nameless thing in the corner that freaks me out?
Not even gonna go there!
Not willing to do anything that makes me look stupid,
in any way – now, to run or hide or freeze?
Who am I today?

Today,
none of those define me.

Today,
none of those are me.
I don’t believe the lies today.
I’m not trapped by the illusions today.

Today,
only one thing defines me:
“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.”

Today,
I am Hidden in Christ, the Desire of my Heart.
I am loved.
I am beautiful.
I am enough.
I am at peace.
I am free.
I am brave.

Today, like any other day,
I am okay.

“Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness,
faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the
Lord out of a pure heart.” -2 Timothy 2:22

Emma Dumitra.

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2 thoughts on ““Definition – Who am I Today?”

  1. I really enjoyed this post. It’s a great piece of writing.
    Sue’s Trifles
    Blogging from A to Z in April

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